The study focused on words called “function words.” These aren’t nouns and verbs; they’re the words that show how those words relate. They’re hard to explicitly define, but we use them all the time – words like the, a, be, anything, that, will, him, and and. How we use these words constitutes our writing and speaking style, says study coauthor James Pennebaker of the University of Texas at Austin.

“Function words are highly social and they require social skills to use,” he says. “For example, if I’m talking about the article that’s coming out, and in a few minutes I make some reference to ‘the article,’ you and I both know what the article means.” But someone who wasn’t part of that conversation wouldn’t understand.

Pennebaker, Molly Ireland, and their colleagues examined whether the speaking and writing styles couples adopt during conversation with each other predict future dating behavior and the long-term strength of relationships. They conducted two experiments in which a computer program compared partners’ language styles.

In the first study, pairs of college students had four-minute speed dates while their conversations were recorded. Almost every pair covered the same topics: What’s your major? Where are you from? How do you like college? Every conversation sounded more or less the same to the naked ear, but text analysis revealed stark differences in language synchrony. The pairs whose language style matching scores were above average were almost four times as likely to want future contact as pairs whose speaking styles were out of sync.

A second study revealed the same pattern in everyday online chats between dating couples over the course of 10 days. Almost 80 percent of the couples whose writing style matched were still dating three months later, compared with approximately 54 percent of the couples who didn’t match as well.

What people are saying to each other is important, but how they are saying it may be even more telling. People aren’t consciously synchronizing their speech, Pennebaker says. “What’s wonderful about this is we don’t really make that decision; it just comes out of our mouths.”

INTERACTIVE APPLICATION: Are you wondering whether you and your partner have matching language styles? Visit James Pennebaker’s “In Synch: Language Style Matching” application online to find out!

Source:
Keri Chiodo
Association for Psychological Science

Psychology / Psychiatry From Medical News Today

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/214793.php

I call such a relationship, a “lifelong soul mate relationship.”

I know that you hope for such a lifelong soul mate relationship, but I suspect that you believe that it is only possible for you in some abstract kind of way. You may even believe that such a relationship is not possible outside of fairy tales.

It is possible for you to have a lifelong soul mate relationship, and there is simple first step to achieving this.

The first step is to see if a relationship, or a prospective relationship has the potential to be a lifelong soul mate relationship.

With regard to achieving a soul mate relationship all people can be divided into three categories. These are: (1) those in relationships that will never become lifelong soul mate relationships, (2) those in relationships that can become lifelong soul mate relationships, and (3) those currently not in a relationship.

(1) Relationships that will never become lifelong soul mates.

No matter how much you want your relationship to work, if your partner does not want it to work, then it won’t. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. Many people actually do not want to be a lifelong soul mate, preferring instead a much lesser relationship. If your partner is one of these, you have a simple choice to make, Settle for a relationship that falls far short of being a lifelong soul mate relationship, or get a new relationship. The choice is yours. The rules for having a lifelong soul mate relationship will help you judge your current relationship to see if there is any possibility of it becoming such a relationship.

(2) Those relationships that have the potential to become lifelong soul mate relationships.

These are relationships where both parties are committed to the relationship, committed to a future together, and both are interested in deepening the relationship. The chances of this type of relationship becoming a lifelong soul mate relationship are good. And remember the rules for achieving this relationship are easy to follow.

(3) Those that are not currently in a relationship

For those that are not yet in a relationship the lifelong soul mate rules can be used to judge any prospective partner, increasing the likelihood that any relationship that you are about to enter into will be a lifelong soul mate relationship.

So, take the first step to a lifelong soul mate relationship, and decide which of the above three categories your relationship fits into.

But what if you’ve found yourself with a series of men who have been in some way negative, abusive, critical or controlling, or in some way seriously LACKING the kind of “relationship skills” that are necessary for a fulfilling relationship?

If so, it’s possible that your own past, your thoughts and feelings are actually ATTRACTING the wrong men, and that you end up becoming ATTACHED and staying in these kinds of relationships for all the wrong reasons.

Your first step, if you’re truly ready to put an end to this cycle, is this:
Starting saying “No!” and radically reject these kinds of hurtful behaviors from any man. Yes – there are creeps out there.

It’s your job, and yours only, to say “No!” and remove any man from your life who isn’t showing you he’s worthy of your love and attention. But when you keep going on with hurtful relationships… and you go through one disastrous relationship after another… the worst starts to happen for you.

It starts to try and turn you into someone who acts fearful, protective and defensive around any man you meet. Things will only get worse for you if you let the bad relationships from your past get into the driver’s seat when you finally meet a guy you could have a healthy relationship with.

So,  do you seem to unknowingly attract “unavailable” men?
In this email I’m going to teach you why a man will act afraid of a real relationship…
And how lots of women both CHOOSE the wrong men… and bring out the “bad qualities” in the right men and ruin things for themselves.

**Quick Tip: Just because you’ve been happily dating a man for several weeks, months or even years… it doesn’t automatically mean he is thinking or feeling “commitment“, or seeking a deeper lasting expression of his LOVE.**

If you’re like most women, then by experience you already know this to be true. And it scares you. You can spend time with a man, get close, become intimate and bond… and he can still NOT WANT to enter into a relationship with you.

So why are so many men “unavailable”? The short answer is because men have a different RELATIONSHIP TIMELINE for wanting to get “serious” with a woman… and a different way of seeing how love and an exclusive committed relationship comes together.

But what can you do with this? The first thing you should know is… a man’s “Commitment Tempo” (when he’ll want to take things to the next level with you) has NOTHING to do with how long you’ve been together.

Don’t get yourself hung up on this like lots of other women who try and “convince” a man it’s time because however many months have already passed and he SHOULD BE ready. Talking this way to a man is a great way to shoot yourself in the foot and encourage him to pull away.

What matters, and what works, is addressing where you both are in terms of your EMOTIONAL CONNECTION… instead of worrying and talking about TIME.

If you’ve ever been with a man and shared something amazing for several months and grown closer and closer, but then he RESISTED and WITHDREW once you actually talked about how things were moving forward between you… then you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Here’s the secret:

A man doesn’t commit to a woman in a conversation, or even with his words. It’s something he just FEELS inside and wants for himself. Do you know what creates this DESIRE and FEELING inside a man?

Now let’s get down to what’s really going on inside your heart when it comes to men and relationships. Here’s what I want to know first:

Why is it so clear and easy for other women to fall in love with a man, and for a relationship to effortlessly come together and grow … While YOU keep attracting all the men out there who are “unavailable” and SEEM great at first, but eventually get scared and just can’t go “deeper” with you?

Is this “unavailable” thing really a problem so many men are carrying around that gets in the way of love? Or … Could it also be that YOU play a part in finding men who are “unavailable”?…  And that you bring about that unavailable RESPONSE which is already lying there dormant inside even the most “evolved” men?

I want to share with you what could be a new and enlightening perspective on all this…  There’s an important realization all SMART and LOVING women I know end up coming to at some point in their love lives.

It’s a “light bulb” that suddenly just turns on… and when it does you instantly grow and see things with a new sense of CLARITY. Unfortunately, most women only come to this important realization AFTER they’ve been through the pain and frustration of doing everything they can think of to “revive” their relationship and failing.

I’ll tell you what this REALIZATION is:

It’s that when you’re with a man who is feeling or acting UNCERTAIN with you… even if you could give him an “ultimatum” that would move things ahead to the place in your relationship that YOU WANT…

A man who moves ahead in his relationship with you because you asked him or demanded it, isn’t very vested in the relationship. This kind of situation is a very “weak” and dangerous place from which to enter into a loving relationship.

Especially for you as a woman who likely wants a man who is truly COMMITTED to being with you on a physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual level…. Knowing this, let me ask you…

**Do men truly COMMIT and choose to love and become loyal, caring, affectionate, etc. just because a woman ASKS THEM?…   Or does a man need to have HIS OWN REASONS for being and feeling this way?

It’s a VERY IMPORTANT question.

If you’ve had one or more relationships where you were ready for “more”… but the man you were with was seeming to drag his heels, or just not care about your relationship… and you tried to make it work but it only seemed to BACKFIRE- then this question could be one of the most important questions you ever ask yourself.

Seriously…. So as a bit of homework, I want you to stop for a second and THINK ABOUT IT…

Do men truly COMMIT and choose to love and become truly loyal, caring, and affectionate just because a woman ASKS IT OF THEM?  Or…

Does a man need to have HIS OWN REASONS for truly feeling and being this way with you, if it’s going to LAST?

WHERE TO START LEARNING ABOUT WHAT MAKES HIM WANT TO COMMIT WITH YOU

Let me be unusually direct with you, for your own good:
Have you finally figured out that if you don’t know HOW TO GET A MAN TO OPEN UP and talk and share his deeper thoughts and feelings with you… that it’s going to be impossible to make your relationship work?

Lots of women think they get how this works because they talk a lot about what’s on THEIR MIND.

For most women, this is common Communication Mistake #1 in their relationship:

Sharing YOUR FEELINGS first, and often, because you believe this will somehow get him to share his feelings in return.

This is not a great way to get a man to “open up” to you and get in touch with his feelings. This is not his “emotional process.”… Especially with a man you’re in a relationship with who is already acting “withdrawn” and has shut off his feelings from you.

This kind of MORE IS BETTER approach about talking and sharing YOUR FEELINGS actually WORKS AGAINST YOU more than it helps you with men who are acting uncertain and withdrawn.

Here’s the deal… If you know anything about a man, then you should know that to get to know HIS FEELINGS, then more talk about YOUR FEELINGS is NOT the answer.

Which leads me to common Communication Mistake #2:

Out of all the things that can go wrong in a relationship, I’ve found one that causes women more pain, frustration, and leads to BAD OUTCOMES with the man in their life than anything else…

It’s the SAME ISSUE that keeps popping up at the beginning of their romantic relationships:

EXPECTATIONS.

It’s when a woman expects that the relationship will progress to something more committed, but ends up feeling disappointed when she finds out the man doesn’t want the same thing.

This problem usually plays itself out in one of two ways.

I’m sure you’ll identify with one (if not both) of these:

SCENARIO #1: You know exactly what you want out of the relationship, but rather than “rock the boat” by having a conversation in which you make your expectations clear, you decide to WAIT IT OUT in hopes that the man will soon feel the same way and that everything will just “work itself out.”

SCENARIO #2: You know exactly what you want out of the relationship but as soon as you get the sense that the guy doesn’t share your desires or isn’t “on the same page” emotionally, you subtly and unconsciously decide to PRETEND that you’re cool with things just being casual, even though you know you need a lot MORE to be happy and content.

Predictably, when you find yourself in either of these two scenarios, it becomes a slippery slope toward ultimate relationship disaster….  Here’s how this plays out:

First – you start feeling unfulfilled, anxious or worried that you’re not getting what you want and need from the relationship. Second – you don’t know how to say what you’re feeling and what you want in a mature, honest way, so you say nothing at all or you drop “hints” that are misunderstood or ignored. Third – he doesn’t change anything about the way he’s treating you or the relationship, and you become frustrated or disappointed because he doesn’t really “get” what’s missing and what you want from him Fourth – your frustration builds up even more and either brings you to an emotionally destructive CONFRONTATION with him that FREAKS him out (like an ultimatum)… or all the silent tension and negative feelings between you make him act distant, disconnected and maybe he even starts losing interest in you.

Remember going down this road?

Not fun … I’ve been there myself….

So what’s going on here? And what can you do about it?

“CENTER” YOURSELF FIRST… AND GET CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT

What you need to do FIRST, before you do anything else, is get CLEAR about what you want and expect from your love life…  You need to be honest with YOURSELF first, before you can be honest with anyone else in your life.

Stop PRETENDING you only want a “casual” fun fling when what you REALLY want is to have a committed, serious relationship that’s “going somewhere.”

Here’s the thing: Getting clear about what you want will help guide your mind in all kinds of POSITIVE DIRECTIONS to help you find and attract the right situations and people in your life.

But, unfortunately, being CLEAR and HONEST is not that simple for most women when “the rubber meets the road” in dating and relationships.

The reality is, knowing what they want and expect can turn into a source of EXTREME frustration and anxiety for a lot of women.

Why is that? I’ll explain…

Expectations can definitely set us off in good directions in our lives… but when we don’t feel like we have the CONTROL over how to get those expectations met, the “wheels really start to come off the car,” so to speak.

A woman may “feel” like the man she’s been dating is “The One” and she can see things getting much more committed and serious, but she also senses she doesn’t have the right tools or skills to know how to COMMUNICATE those desires to the man in a positive way.

Simply put, the woman is AFRAID that approaching the guy with a heavy “talk” will either scare him away.  Or…   She herself doesn’t know what “taking it to the next level” really means to HIM, why he would want this, and how to go about talking about it in a way that builds trust and makes him want to open up and share.

So she avoids telling the man what she’s really thinking and feeling about their relationship. Instead, she starts to accept or downplay the little disappointments she feels…. Until one day she finally wakes up and realizes that she doesn’t have the kind of relationship she THOUGHT she would have with this man, and she’s just not happy with herself or the situation.

And sometimes this “awakening” doesn’t even happen until after the man cheats or leaves. Let’s just simplify things and boil it down to that one thing that is the cause of all the trouble and confusion:

FEAR.

The unfortunate truth is that some women don’t want to dig deeper into what a man truly wants because of their own fears…. They’re AFRAID of finding out the truth about what a man truly feels about them, and their future together.

And the most dreaded fear of all… REJECTION and ABANDONMENT.

These two things are SO STRONG AND POWERFUL that something fascinating happens in the woman’s mind when there’s even a small potential for either of these….

Their mind starts a cycle of SELF-DECEPTION. Here’s how it works:

The fear of pain and loss often leads us to ignore our thoughts and intuition and replace our fearful thoughts with happier thoughts that make us feel comfortable.

It’s the mind’s “emotional defense mechanism”… I know you felt this before.

How many times have you been unsure – deep down – about the man you are seeing, but instead of examining those doubts and finding a way for you to deal with your own feelings, you decided to actually BUILD HIM UP to your friends and family as being a wonderful catch because you didn’t want to face some of the problems lurking deep in the back of your mind?

You thought that you’d help things out by telling yourself and having faith in what you wanted to be true.

…And sometimes, in the process of making up these “new truths” you even start to convince YOURSELF that he’s a better guy than he actually is?

Or maybe you’ve been in a situation where you’ve gotten no indication that the man you’re seeing wants any kind of serious relationship, but you choose to believe that you’re building a committed relationship as things slowly and naturally escalate.

Making those assumptions without the basis of direct communication can lead to BIG TROUBLE down the road… Save yourself the wasted energy and the broken heart.

If you’re looking to move past the fear and insecurity you feel with men but don’t want to get in touch with or let anyone know about, then I’d like to help you get in touch and start the “healing” and growth process.
Remember, a man can’t read your mind, or know all that’s in your heart.

And if you’re carrying around pain or fear, it’s surely getting in the way of a man seeing the beautiful and real you underneath that he would want to know and love.

Don’t keep a man from seeing the best of the real you that’s inside. Make it easy for him, and for you. Now, back to working with your own expectations, and being with a man and discovering how he is feeling.

Here’s a question that’s probably already on your mind:
How can you be sure you’re involved with the RIGHT guy, and know how he’s feeling, and if he shares your expectations and desires?… The answer is HONESTY.

HONESTY is one of the most liberating and valuable traits to develop – and it’s even more valuable when you’re dating…. And guess what else?

It FEELS REALLY GOOD to be completely open and honest.

Plus, even when it seems like it would push you and a man apart, it has an amazing way of bringing you closer together and building more love and admiration.

But only if you know how to share your thoughts and honest feelings in a way that SERVES YOU and your relationship.

Not all communication is equal.

You can MEAN something, but depending on how you share it with someone… it can either be received as loving and “good”… or as NEGATIVE and CRITICAL…. How is what you are feeling being RECEIVED?

And how does this relate to the way you choose to COMMUNICATE what you are feeling?

A WAY TO COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS AND DESIRES WITH A MAN THAT HE’LL LOVE AND RESPOND TO

Let me tell you something important that you might have gotten mixed up inside your head as a woman in relationships with men where they wouldn’t listen…

It’s OK to want what you want and to let a man know it…. In fact, it’s a MUST.
And it’s OK to tell a man that his behavior doesn’t match with what you want.
For example:

If a woman is honest and up front about what she wants and expects from a man, in a way that says that she’s not too attached to the immediate outcome and she subtly lets him know that he better have his act together or else… It can take the usual “teeth pulling” talk into an opportunity for building attraction and a deep source of commitment with a man.

But remember – YOU CAN’T FAKE IT….  You have to be in a place where you truly believe that you’ll find and meet your expectations for love and relationships, with or without the man who’s there in front of you right then…. No matter how much you love him.

That means you have to be in the right frame of mind, and state in your heart, BEFORE you start the conversation with him…

But most women aren’t in the right frame of mind because they’re afraid, and they’ve “tricked” themselves into thinking that their intimate feelings for a man will scare him off.

WRONG.

It’s not honesty that will scare him off, it’s the negative, fearful and anxious “vibe” that you unknowingly give off before you finally EXPLODE because you can no longer hide how you feel from the man you’re with. That’s what scares some men off and makes them clam up.

The amazing thing is that men crave HONEST women who are up front about who they are and what they want in relationships…. The key is to know the RIGHT WAY to communicate these things without going over the top.

Remember, if you communicate with a man in a way that assumes, begs, convinces, or makes him think that you’re “entitled” to a relationship and a commitment with him, he will NEVER, EVER respect you and want to stay for the long-term.

You might get what you want in the short-term if he gives in to your wishes just to avoid a conflict, but trust me, you are headed for MUCH bigger problems in the future….  Or worse, you’ll get what you want NOW, but he’s spent the past months – or YEARS – secretly SEETHING WITH RESENTMENT towards you.

Not good….  GIVE HIM A GOOD REASON TO WANT TO COMMIT TO YOU

You just can’t “talk” a man into wanting to commit to you by listing all the ways your relationship is special. This is something VERY IMPORTANT to remember when it comes to men and relationships.

**You have to give a man the right “REASONS” for him to want to and make HIMSELF committed. **

Becoming deeply committed doesn’t often just happen with the passing of time for a man. He won’t want to commit “just because” it’s been six months or a year (or longer). He won’t commit to you because you explain how you think you’re better than all the women he’s dated or because you have such a great “connection.”

He’s going to commit for his own reasons.

So what are these “reasons”?

They’re very complex if you don’t understand them… but simple at the same time…. A man’s reasons for committing, or not committing, are his FEELINGS and EMOTIONS…. Sounds simple, but it’s profound and true. The “masculine” part of a man has to FEEL like he is naturally and of his own free will CHOOSING to be with a woman…. If this happens, his commitment will usually be strong and lasting.

But if a man commits because a woman has been talking to him and analyzing things to show him how a relationship really makes “sense”, then his commitment won’t be strong… and it probably won’t last.

See the difference?

A man’s motivation for commitment is how a woman makes him FEEL when he’s with her. If you want him to respond and have committed feelings for you, then you need to do more of the things that will make him FEEL the desire, interest and attraction that lead him to want to commit.

In other words, WORDS and conversations are the LEAST powerful and effective tools that a woman has when it comes to love and relationships.

The FEELINGS of ATTRACTION that she can create, sometimes without even speaking, are the MOST POWERFUL.

In “The Secret to the Hearts of MEN” I reveal specific ways to subtly communicate to a man the things that will “trigger” that intense level of attraction inside him. You can literally have a man who wasn’t totally “feeling it” for you suddenly take notice and see and recognize the things inside you he simply didn’t look for or see before.

Now, I was only able to give a few simple tips and insights on how to better connect with a man in a way that will lead you both closer together and help him not only talk, but FEEL committed.

And this is a great first step that you can quickly build on as a man starts to see you as the one woman he wants as his one and only partner. Don’t wait for this all to happen on its own, when you know what you want. Go here now and turn up the dial on the level of ATTRACTION a man feels and experiences with you on both a Physical and Emotional level.

You’ll be glad you did.

• why you have those brief, frustrating, and dead-end relationships
• how a great relationship can, without apparent cause, suddenly turn into such a downer
• why it’s so difficult to talk with someone even though they seem wonderful
• why it’s so difficult to have a meaningful conversation with your significant other
• why asking someone for a date requires so much courage.

For those of you who are married, you’re probably thinking the other two people in your relationship are your in-laws. Well, they may be trying to insert themselves into the relationship, but that would mean there would be 8 people fighting for their place! So, let’s just concentrate on a relationship between you and one other person.

Carl Jung said that getting a better grip on understanding the difficulties between men and women begins by accepting that we are androgynous. Androgyny is a Greek term made up of two words: andros and gynos. Andros means “male” and “gynos” means “female.” So, if we are androgynous, then whether we are physically male or female, we each contain an invisible opposite. In other words, a man while expressing physically as a man has an invisible female or “feeling nature.” A woman while expressing physically as a woman has an invisible male or “thinking nature.”

So, in any relationship between the sexes, there are actually four people involved. Two visible and two invisible. Many of your relationship problems can come from the fact that you are not aware that you have an internal and invisible partner who is nonetheless REAL! And, your invisible partner expects to be nurtured just like you do.

When you hear people say that a man should get in touch with his feminine or a woman should embrace her intellect, this is more than mere fancy. It is based on the truth – on how important this relationship is between you and your invisible partner.

GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOUR OPPOSITE
Why is getting in touch with your opposite so important? No matter what kind of relationship you are in –marriage, dating, friend, co-worker – it doesn’t matter. They are all influenced by the quality of the relationship you have with your invisible opposite.

How does this work? Well, any part of the relationship you have with your invisible opposite that you’re unaware of or refuse to accept will be projected into the relationships you have in the world. In other words, you see these attitudes as coming from out there rather than from inside your mental world.

Now these projections are strong psychic energy, and they can be of a positive or a negative nature. They exhibit such powerful energy that you will swear the object of your affection or the object of your disgust is out there and you know his or her name. Of course, the relationship you have with an inner opposite ranges in intensity.

In the extremes, if you are a man and have a negative relationship with your inner opposite, your projection will cause you to see the woman in your relationship as a witch. If your projection is positive, she will seem to be a goddess or an angel. For a woman with a negative relationship with her inner opposite, the male recipient of her projection will be a demon. If her projection is positive, she will see him as a knight in shining armor, her savior.

The ability of the invisible opposite to project itself outward explains why people can fall head over heels at first sight. Falling in love like this is almost always caused by a person projecting a positive opposite onto some other person. Our divorce rate is close to 50%. I believe this happens because rather than two real people getting married, two projections get married. When the façade caused by the projection falls away the marriage ends.

Romeo and Juliet are a good example of this type of projection. They were each projecting the highest view of a positive invisible opposite onto each other. No human can, for very long, live up to the standard set by such a powerful psychic projection. Sooner or later, the illusion fails, and they fall out of love as dramatically and quickly as they fell into love. These kinds of relationships are not grounded in reality. Can you imagine Romeo and Juliet dealing with diapers?

THE REAL PURPOSE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
To say that relationships are complex is a huge understatement. I don’t have all the answers but I want to offer you a way of looking at them that may help you see that the struggles between the sexes has a much deeper purpose than just getting along. While the relationships between men and women seem so important on a human level, they are meant to serve a much higher purpose on a spiritual, psychological level. Seeing this higher purpose makes the difficulties much more reasonable and meaningful.

The only real, lasting purpose of earthly relationships is to give each individual involved the opportunity to bring themselves into a state of complete harmony with their invisible partner.

When we come to this planet, the relationship with our invisible opposite is in various stages of antagonism. Interestingly, we are totally unaware that our invisible opposite exists and that our primary responsibility is to develop a loving relationship with it.

Let me recount an ancient myth that illustrates this concept of invisible partners. According to the story, there was a time when beings were shaped like spheres. These spherical beings had four arms, four legs and two heads facing in opposite directions. These beings developed tremendous power and made the gods envy and fear them. So the gods cut the spheres in half and scattered them around the planet to divide their power. It is said that when two of these halves find each other, they are joined in a bond of love and harmony.

Most of the time people think this is referring to finding a “soul mate.” But what the myth is really illustrating is the power you have when you become “at one” with your invisible partner. When this happens, your thoughts (the masculine) and your feelings (the feminine) are in harmony. This harmony enables you to be the fully functioning, creative being you were meant to be.

This is the planet of lesson. Learning to be in harmony with the sum total of what you are is called being in love with yourself. Love is the glue of the universe. It is the harmonizing magnetic force that draws like things together. You attract what you are, not what you want. The more harmony and love you have within yourself the more you attract its likeness in the world of your relationships.

So, if you’re having trouble in a relationship, consider how you feel about your invisible partner. Perhaps you’re projecting your own insecurities about your feminine or masculine nature onto others. If you have trouble talking with the opposite sex, maybe you’re avoiding dealing with your inner opposite. If you’re sitting across the breakfast table from someone and you feel a subtle dread and an emptiness, it may only be mirroring the relationship you have with your invisible opposite. If you’re timid about asking for a date or fearful of accepting one, you may just be afraid to get involved with either your feelings or your thoughts.

No one ever said relationships are easy, but it helps to know that there are 4 people contributing to the quality of a relationship – not just two!

A lot of song writers and poets have aptly said “love just ain’t enough!” Mutual love may be the most important building block of a relationship, but love alone can’t sustain the relationship.  You might love your partner or spouse to death but may still find your relationship battling stormy weather. The reason could be that your relationship has one or more of the following elements missing: trust, open communication, respect, honesty and/or complete commitment. However, if you have the will and desire to make your relationship work, these problems can be sorted out.

How to make your relationship work?

Acknowledge that you have a problem
Blame- game is the common factor in almost all troubled relationships. People tend to get so blinded with anger that they lose their objectivity. Ego of course adds fuel to the fire. Sadly, this raging fire of anger and ego burns down the most vital building block of a relationship- love. It is therefore important that both the partners acknowledge the fact that they have a problem and refrain from finger pointing.

Communicate
Often we don’t share our feelings with our partner/spouse for the fear of hurting them and some times we may avoid speaking our mind in order to avoid an argument.  Continuation of this kind of behavior has the potential to destroy a relationship. Not sharing your feelings will lead to simmering resentment within you and the other person will continue with their life without even realizing that their behavior is hurting you. The result can be an explosion of bottled up emotions, leaving your partner bewildered and deeply hurt.  Open channels of communication are therefore vital for the health of any relationship and remember communication need not always be in an argumentative tone or a high pitched voice.  It’s important to keep your ego aside and communicate your feelings in a loving manner, in order to save yourself and your loved one from pointless hurt.

Relationship counseling
When you are angry or deeply hurt, you may blow small problems out of proportion. Just as love sometimes clouds our objectivity, hurt and anger have a similar effect too. You may be tempted to ask a friend or a close relative to interfere or “make the other person see the sense of your argument”, but remember this approach can easily backfire as friends and relatives may not be objective and biased towards you.  It’s therefore advisable to seek relationship counseling if both you and your partner are open to the idea. You may feel hesitant about confiding in a stranger, but remember a counselor is not just a stranger but a trained therapist. Just like you go to a doctor to treat an illness, you can visit a relationship counselor to treat your ailing relationship.

Clinical Hypnosis
If either of you have a problem with insecurity, jealousy or commitment phobia, the reason could be your past. Clinical hypnosis could help you in this case. Sometimes some past events or happenings may get so firmly embedded in your subconscious that you might end up taking a lot of actions because of those past memories, without even realizing it. Through clinical hypnosis a trained therapist will be able to delve into your subconscious and help you release the memories which are hampering your relationship and re-program your mind.

Positive affirmations
When a relationship is in trouble we tend to indulge in lot of negative self-talk about ourselves and our relationship. Not only does such behavior push the relationship further into the abyss of loneliness it also affects our confidence and desire to make the relationship work. Repeated negative self-talk ends up strengthening our belief that our relationship is beyond repair.  However, if instead of telling yourself how miserable you are and how imperfect your relationship is, if you could focus on making your relationship work, not only will you feel more motivated to bring your love life back on track but you’ll also feel more confident about being able to do it. You can either make up your own affirmations or practice the following in front of a mirror everyday:

“I love and appreciate myself the way I am”

“I deserve to love and be loved”

“I am surrounded by love at all times”

“The universe supplies me with endless love”

“All is well in my world”

Visualization techniques
Have you ever noticed that when you visualize something negative your body and mind start reacting as if you are already facing that situation? For example if you visualize you and your partner/spouse parting ways, you might feel a lump in your throat and your heart may start sinking. If you continue with your negative visualizations your body and mind start unconsciously pushing you in the direction of what you visualize the most. Similarly if you visualize yourself in a fulfilling relationship with your spouse/partner, your body and mind will start preparing you to live those happy images and will push you to push to fruition the visions of a healthy relationship.

These tips and techniques will be able to help you build a healthy relationship only if you and your partner are open to the idea of changing for the better, to make your relationship work.

Want to learn more? Have a comment or situation you’d like to start? Continue your self-help coaching journey at Boomer Yearbook.

www.boomeryearbook.com is a social networking site connecting the Baby Boomer generation. Share your thoughts, rediscover old friends, or expand your mind with brain games provided by clinical psychologist Dr. Karen Turner. Join today to discover the many ways we are helping Boomers connect for fun and profit.

Someone who has an established career, with stable financial status, responsible, good looking, intelligent, and good-humored person has finally come into your life.

But, just when you thought you’ve finally met the ideal man or woman of your dreams, everything seems to be wrong and complicated. Suddenly, he has lost his job, she went bankrupt, he became careless, and she became paranoid about everything. You try to help your partner in dealing with the issues but it always turns out that he or she’s too good to ask help from anybody-even you.

Still, despite everything you still do almost everything to help your beau without you realizing that he or she slowly drags you into the pit of depression and helplessness they’re in. When you feel that you are no longer healthy, happy, and growing in the relationship, that’s the time when you are trapped in bad relationship.

Being stuck and stranded
It is always hard to end any kind of relationship-especially if it’s a romantic relationship. But, no matter how hard to end something that you thought is precious, you should know when to end a relationship especially if you are well-aware that its not doing you any good.

The signs of the times would probably tell you if you are already being stuck in a bad relationship. Experts agree that the relationship is already bad when the couple is going through unusual periods of disagreement and bitterness that can be inevitable in some relationships. You will also know if you are already in the pit of a bad relationship when it involves incessant aggravation and everything-even your partner-seems to be out of your reach.

The main determinant if you are in a bad relationship is the behavior of your partner. You can tell that you are being caught up in a bad relationship if your partner is beyond your reach of communication and comprehension, he or she doesn’t want to make any commitment, doesn’t profess his or her feelings even if there is a sort of commitment or plainly incapable of loving someone else besides him or herself.

Studies also show that in any bad relationship, the couple is often on dissimilar wavelengths that there is almost no common ground and no connection or communication that result to irritation and disappointment.

Since bad relationships usually stem from chronic reciprocation of what one or both partners need, the relationship itself can even damage the self-esteem of the persons involved. Bad relationships are also destructive for persons especially those who have invested so much in their careers for their personal lives since these serve as a perfect breeding ground for rage, bitterness, self-doubt, melancholy, and distress.

Aside from emotional distress, staying in a bad relationship can be hazardous to someone’s health. The most common hazard of bad relationship is the physical harm caused by an abusive partner. In less severe cases, being in a bad relationship can cause tensions and various chemical changes often triggered by so much stress.

Being in a bad relationship reflects so much on the person’s overall health and well-being because it can drain energy, thus, lowering the body’s resistance to illness. The common health hazards of being in a bad relationship include severe headaches, back pains, and stomachaches caused by anger and frustration; insomnia and melancholy caused by emotional distress; and weight problems caused by irregular behavioral patterns and depression.

If couples continue to be in a relationship that is no longer healthy, they will try to find a way to escape from being stuck inside by being alcoholic or drug dependent. Worse, being stuck in an unhealthy relationship can eventually lead to recurrent suicide attempts.

Breaking free

What most people inside relationships do not realize is that the more they try to work things out, things get more and more complicated. This is because both people in the relationship try so hard to pass through the stage without realizing that they are detaching themselves with their respective partners. As a result of this detachment is misunderstanding, incompatibility, and soon enough, falling out of love.

If you are already in a bad relationship that robs you off your freedom to be yourself, the freedom to love other person, and the freedom to get out of an unhealthy and destructive relationship, here are some of the things you can do to recover.

1. Consider your wellness as the first priority in life whether you are in or out of a romantic relationship.
2. Try to be “selfish” at times by focusing on your own needs above all else.
3. Be strong enough to deal with your own problems.
4. Have a positive outlook in life and cultivate whatever positive values you acquired within the relationship.
5. Nurture you spiritual side and try to look for ways or activities that can bring you inner peace.
6. If the relationship was quite traumatic, think of getting professional help or find a support group where you can chare your experiences and the lessons you have learned.
7. Don’t be afraid to fall in love but try to be more cautious next time so you won’t be stuck in a bad relationship.